IT'S A GIRL THANG

I bought pumpkin bread from kneaders the other day, so it's definitely sweater season.

There's nothing better than crisp air, crisp leaves and getting bundled up to go outside. Since moving to Utah, fall has became my favourite season. I love driving through the canyons and in the mountains and looking at all the leaves changing colour. It's like something you only see in a painting. 

It's so fun thinking of eilidh all bundled up with little rosy red cheeks. She has been picking up leaves and crunching them in her tiny little hands. She loves being outside. 
Having a girl is so fun, we shop together for seasons changing, we get to match shoes, clothes and not to forget all the bows. 

Bows for a baby girl are an absolute must. Eilidh has too many to count, a whole basket of them to be exact. We all know the well known bow shops, we all love a bit of Baby Bling. But I loved exploring smaller boutiques. The products have so much character and are so unique!

Recently we received some of the most adorable things from some boutiques just in time for our fall shopping and I can't wait to share them!


The first shop I want to talk about is All The Pretty Pretties.
They have so much to choose from in all different sizes. From vintage velvets, unique trims, & fun prints hand-tied into bows for your little one. Oh and the fabric is soo soft.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/alltheprettypretties

The second shop I want to talk about is Colored Concrete.
If I could choose a colour scheme to live off of for the rest of my life, their bow colours would be it! I'm all about the neutral soft colours. But guess what? They have hair ties and scrunchies for mum too!
https://www.etsy.com/shop/alltheprettypretties

Lanie Love boutique also have bows for YOU and little one. They homemade from California and made with love and delicacy. They have such a wide range to shop from. So many textures, colours and patterns. The fall floral and the linen tied bows are a fan favourite over here. They just go with everything and sit so perfectly on her head.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/LanieLoveBoutique

Let's talk about turbans!
Believe it or not, babies have bad hair days too. Except they just look way cuter than we do when we have bad hair days. Turbans keep their little head warm, keep their hair crazy hair in place and just make every outfit adorable. I have been getting turbans from Miss Layla Bugg since the start. I love their sizes and how they fit her head. Order them straight from her instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/misslaylabugg/?hl=en

And lastly, have you heard of Trendy Tot Boutique? Well you should have. They have the most affordable baby and toddler clothing. From rompers, dresses, bloomers... They have it all. Our favourite is their embroidered knitted romper. It has the prettiest colours and is perfect for the cold season coming in! She's never going to be out of this because it is just so cute.
https://trendytotboutique.com/

If you have a girlie, get yourself over to these shops.
You wont regret it.

Happy fall, y'all

JOURNEY WITH MEDICATION

These things I take everyday, known as 'antidepressants' make me great, in the worst way.

I've battled with myself about writing this. Would people even care? Would they think of me differently? Is it 'attention seeking'? But that's just my anxiety speaking. I've read many many articles about mental health that have helped me realize that I'm not the only one. That I'm not broken. That there's someone else who feels like this. And thats all I want to come from posting this, I just want others to know it's okay.

Modern day medicine is amazing. We have a headache, we pop a painkiller and it's gone. It's the same with antidepressants. We feel like shit, we pop a blue pill everyday and the shittyness disappears. Amazing right? Well, not for me. I guess this has been something I've battled my whole life without knowing about it until I addressed the situation later in my life. It got bad before I moved over here, then bad when I had Eilidh which I just thought was postpartum from stopping breastfeeding, but then it never went away. It got better, but never left.

My options were medication or therapy. None of which I ever wanted to do in my life for anything. But I thought those were my only two and chose medication. Suddenly it scarily got a whole lot worse a few months in. I hated everything, everyone, my child and myself. It would either result in panic attacks which I don't remember much about, obsessive cleaning, or a depression episode. Let's talk about what those episodes look like - laying in bed lifeless but my mind would go 1000 MPH, wanting to cry but not being able to, going over every single bad thing thats ever happened in my life and wishing this invisible pain would stop. In a desperate attempt, I turned to therapy.

Little did I know that I was relapsing.

Sometimes I am doing so good I forget to take my pill each day.

Day 1: right as rain

Day 2: things agitate me

Day 3: I am living in hell

Today is day 4. 

Yesterday was Sunday so no pharmacies were open. The with-drawl symptoms are no joke. I get sweaty, instead of hot flashes it's flashes of dizziness that make my skin feel tingly all over, it's hard to concentrate, I get headaches, nauseous and forget everything. And let's not even get into how it affects you in a spiritual way. There's no way I would be able to write this on a good day, I wouldn't be as honest as I am being now.

Here are some others experiences with the with-drawls:

It's hard for me to want to start taking them again.

 I feel like 'this me' is the real me and the medication is just hiding that. I'm stuck on these miracle pills that transport me to a different me.

But then Nathan reminds me that the pills are at work to balance the chemicals in my brain and they are actually making me the real me. It's hard to come to terms with it because the thoughts and feelings are so real.

What I'm trying to say is,

it's okay to feel broken, even though you are not.

It's okay to feel alone, though you are not.

It's okay to feel like you are never going to be the 'real you', though one day, you are.

And most important of all, there is no shame in asking for help or telling people exactly what is going through your mind. There are multiple ways to reach out and receive the love you need to get you through. I don't like to think of it as 'needing help', but that's just the stubborn Scottish in me. You just need a little TLC, whether thats through medication, therapy, friends, your bishop, prayer, working out, ANYTHING!

You do what's best for you and never be ashamed.

Believe in miracles, hope is never lost.

We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions.

- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.

EILIDH GOES TO SCOTLAND

We did it! We finally went home!

After waiting over a year for my green card I finally went back home. I was about to have a nandos again after two years, do you know how much I craved that when I was pregnant?! Nandos, a chippy, a kebab, chicken kiev, a full breakfast... Literally everything you can't get here, I wanted. And I went home and ate it all. 

I had been eating good and working out so good the weeks before I left all for it to go to waste when I went home... but was so worth it. 

So firstly, some idiot mucked our flights up and we ended up missing our flight to Glasgow (where my mum was headed to get us). So we flew into Edinburgh instead and Owain came to the rescue, picked up my mum, picked up us and then took us to Glasgow to get our rental. Love you pal. Oh also our suitcases didn't get on the same flight as us, so we had to go get them the next day from Edinburgh. 

(Shoutout to Allie for letting me wear her undies)

Eilidh meeting the rest of my family was the cutest thing. I thought she was going to get mega stranger danger, cause she went through a bad spell of that a few weeks ago, but she was amazing! We walked in and my papa starts beaming as he's talking to her. Then we walk in and my gran sees us and starts to cry. Their first great grandchild!

One of my sisters knew we were coming, but Allie didn't. So we hid behind the couch and Allie and her friends walked in and I popped Eilidh's head up and Allie started to scream! I don't know how they kept it all a secret from her.

The next day, we surprised my Gran and Grampa Moonie. My cousin Fiona just had a baby, Lilia, a month after Eilidh and they live in London, so they thought they were going to my aunties house to meet Lilia. So we knock at the door and my gran goes "oh it's another baby" then pauses and goes "OH it's Joanna and Nathan!" and my grampa runs through from the kitchen. They both looked so shocked, tbh I was scared one of them was going to have a heart attack, but all was good don't worry peeps. Eilidh and Lilia played for so long and were just obsessed with each other. Apparently just before we came in, they were saying how lovely it would be to have Eilidh and Lilia together and BOOOOOM there we were.

It was so good to be home, be with family and friends. We weren't there for long enough to get to see everybody we wanted to. But it was better than nothing. 

I never thought next time we went, we'd be roaming around with our daughter. 

We went back to my home ward for church and that was when it all set in - I was back where it all began, where I was baptised, where I learned life lessons and where I met some of the most amazing people, including where I met Nathan. I say this in almost every post, but none of this was just because of me. It was all God's plan. I just listened and follow.

Thomas S. Monson said "of this be sure: you do not find the happy life, you make it." 

Tbh I think I done both. I found the gospel and then made happy life according to His plan.

GETTING BACK TO ME

There's a list of things nobody really tells you about after pregnancy/birth. 

Like you still get contractions, you can't really stand up for longer than 5 minutes, you're breathless as soon as you do stand up, how much you'll cry just staring at your baby because they're just great, how much your hoo-ha will itch, how much you'll hate wearing a nursing bra 24/7 because ya'll be drippin' milk, hating your body because you feel extra skin everywhere.

One of the questions I asked the nurses was "when will my tummy go back to normal?". It seriously felt like a half deflated balloon with jelly inside of it. I was positive that it was here to stay. "Around 8 weeks". Damn, I couldn't wait that long.

You get so excited to fit into your pre-pregnancy clothes. To fit into your topshop jeans without bursing a zipper or a button, to wear that dress without it coming all the way up to your crotch because you have a watermelon for a tummy. But it doesn't just happen like that. Your post-pregnancy body is something that you have to get used to, that you have to learn to love. I uploaded a pic to instagram the other day showing how proud I am of my 4 month postpartum body, but really, it's still different.

One thing I wish I told myself:

Give it time

I had carried a human inside of me for 9 months. She kicked and rolled all day (and night) long, then I pushed her out of me. Of course my body was needing a good length of time to get back to normal. When I got the go-ahead from my doc to workout again I went straight home and worked out, probably one of my harder workouts too. I ended up feeling 10 times worse. I looked at myself in the mirror, like we all do, and expected instant change. HAHAHAHAHA

I could hardly get through a quarter of the workout because of how exhausted I was. My core strength was GONE. My balance was GONE. My confidence was GONE.

I realized I needed to take smaller steps. Even though I owe everything to breastfeeding those calories off for the first 3 months, I worked super hard to get where I am now. I am learning to be more confident. A few months back I would say "I'll never be caught dead in a bikini again" now I "I'm almost at the stage where I'll feel comfortable to wear one again." and to be honest that's enough for me! That may not seem like a huge improvement reading that, but trust me, it is.

I was excited to buy new clothes once I found out what I felt more comfortable in too. And to be honest going shopping for new things is always the best/more rewarding part right?!?! ;)

Women's bodies are freaking incredible and I've only realized that now. I'm so grateful that I have a beautiful baby girl to remind me that everything was worth it and a husband that tells me how much he loves me for me, everyday.



Side note. Let's talk about this dress.
It's from Cleo Madison. A amazing AFFORDABLE boutique. Everybody loves a bit of online shopping right? They always have something for every occasion. They are modest too which is the best part. On Sunday's I usually jump into my dress last minute and out of it as soon as I'm home. I had this dress on for the whole day (and that's something big for me!) It is the softest, most comfortable dress I've ever owned. My hubby even felt my leg last night and said "oh...that is really soft". And talking of loving our bodies I even wore one of their dresses, 5 months pregnant, on our wedding anniversary date night and felt great!
So whether you're looking for something casual, some shoes, or a Sunday dress, get to cleo madison!

https://www.cleomadison.com/

CUTE AS A BUNNY

Watch our easter below!

This weekend it was conference weekend and easter. What a good mix.

Although nobody does chocolate easter eggs here and it kills me. In need of a big galaxy egg.

As fun it was setting up eilidh and skye's easter things (and I staying up making skye home made easter biscuits, yes I'm that freaking extra ok) it was good to listen to the council from conference this weekend. For those of you who don't know, general conference is - it is a gathering of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that is held twice a year. April and October, it is held in Salt Lake, here in Utah, but also broadcasted across the entire world for people to watch live. 

Leaders of the church, including our living prophet, deliver messages of inspiration and guidance (if you're looking for an inspiring insta-worthy caption, look no further all my basic B's). Every single talk is full of comfort, assurance and answers. They are also on lds.org and youtube available to read/watch back as many times as you like. Sometimes it gives you a kick up the backside and makes you realize that you're focusing on the wrong things in order to be truly happy. But I'm grateful for those reminders to stay on the path. 

I've been thinking about how toxic social media is. I upload a photo, then waste 30 minutes scrolling. It's bad for your mental health. Don't get me wrong, I love it too, I love the idea of looking back at insta/facebook photos years down the line. I also upload so much so I can create chatbooks at the end of each year, they organize all your insta photos and captions into little photo books for you to order online. But I strayed from the idea of making memories to just loosing time in the day scrolling.

Every photo and video I take is for memories, not for followers or to 'fit in'.

Focus on the good. Focus on family.

Our priorities are most visible in how we use our time. Someone has said, “Three things never come back—the spent arrow, the spoken word, and the lost opportunity.” We cannot recycle or save the time allotted to us each day. With time, we have only one opportunity for choice, and then it is gone forever.

-Dallin H. Oaks