These things I take everyday, known as 'antidepressants' make me great, in the worst way.
I've battled with myself about writing this. Would people even care? Would they think of me differently? Is it 'attention seeking'? But that's just my anxiety speaking. I've read many many articles about mental health that have helped me realize that I'm not the only one. That I'm not broken. That there's someone else who feels like this. And thats all I want to come from posting this, I just want others to know it's okay.
Modern day medicine is amazing. We have a headache, we pop a painkiller and it's gone. It's the same with antidepressants. We feel like shit, we pop a blue pill everyday and the shittyness disappears. Amazing right? Well, not for me. I guess this has been something I've battled my whole life without knowing about it until I addressed the situation later in my life. It got bad before I moved over here, then bad when I had Eilidh which I just thought was postpartum from stopping breastfeeding, but then it never went away. It got better, but never left.
My options were medication or therapy. None of which I ever wanted to do in my life for anything. But I thought those were my only two and chose medication. Suddenly it scarily got a whole lot worse a few months in. I hated everything, everyone, my child and myself. It would either result in panic attacks which I don't remember much about, obsessive cleaning, or a depression episode. Let's talk about what those episodes look like - laying in bed lifeless but my mind would go 1000 MPH, wanting to cry but not being able to, going over every single bad thing thats ever happened in my life and wishing this invisible pain would stop. In a desperate attempt, I turned to therapy.
Little did I know that I was relapsing.
Sometimes I am doing so good I forget to take my pill each day.
Day 1: right as rain
Day 2: things agitate me
Day 3: I am living in hell
Today is day 4.
Yesterday was Sunday so no pharmacies were open. The with-drawl symptoms are no joke. I get sweaty, instead of hot flashes it's flashes of dizziness that make my skin feel tingly all over, it's hard to concentrate, I get headaches, nauseous and forget everything. And let's not even get into how it affects you in a spiritual way. There's no way I would be able to write this on a good day, I wouldn't be as honest as I am being now.
Here are some others experiences with the with-drawls:
It's hard for me to want to start taking them again.
I feel like 'this me' is the real me and the medication is just hiding that. I'm stuck on these miracle pills that transport me to a different me.
But then Nathan reminds me that the pills are at work to balance the chemicals in my brain and they are actually making me the real me. It's hard to come to terms with it because the thoughts and feelings are so real.
What I'm trying to say is,
it's okay to feel broken, even though you are not.
It's okay to feel alone, though you are not.
It's okay to feel like you are never going to be the 'real you', though one day, you are.
And most important of all, there is no shame in asking for help or telling people exactly what is going through your mind. There are multiple ways to reach out and receive the love you need to get you through. I don't like to think of it as 'needing help', but that's just the stubborn Scottish in me. You just need a little TLC, whether thats through medication, therapy, friends, your bishop, prayer, working out, ANYTHING!
You do what's best for you and never be ashamed.
Believe in miracles, hope is never lost.
We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions.
- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.
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